Alaska Filmmaker Glossary

PUBLICITY in Small Town Newspapers: They never guess

Unlearn painting & theater skills:  in Alaska, be prepared to start at the bottom:

Focus Puller on the colostomycam

CAMERA
Selecting the proper camera for your project can be a time consuming exercise.   You can avoid this by using any camera with the word “Video” on it.  If you want your finished product to look like film, simply show the video on a generously dust-covered television.  The dust particles tend to refract the light and obscure video’s “harshness” resulting in a film “look.”  Most viewers will assume that you actually used a film camera.  If your “film” is going to be displayed using a video projector, smear a liberal amount of Vaseline onto the projector’s lens to achieve a “film” look.  Using an actual film camera is an alternative, but the expense of film stock, and the required cinematographic expertise puts this alternative out of the reach of most would-be filmmakers.  The easy solution is to simply refer to your video as a film.

CASTING
Casting is the process of finding actors for your “film.”  Always include a precocious 9 – 13 year old girl in your “script,” and then promptly schedule auditions.  Make sure that your chair is a few inches higher than those auditioning - this will give you a psychological advantage and make you seem “more important.”  Avoid referring to prospective cast members as fresh meat, as by-standing parents may get the wrong impression.  Make sure to tell each actress that she is “very talented” but just not “right for the part.”  Offer acting advice and autographed Film Crew badges to any “special” young actors. 

FILM CREW BADGE
No filmmaker should be without a Film Crew badge  A properly made badge can open many doors, including your own, should you be evicted during the filmmaking process.
Make a badge with the title of your movie on one side and the words “Film Crew” on the other. Wear the badge wherever you go-especially at social functions and anywhere aspiring actresses tend to congregate.  Be seen with it!

MUSIC
No modern film would be complete without a music track.  Music sets the “tone” of a film and helps to establish the “mood.”  A custom musical score can be recorded for your film, or “canned” music can be purchased for this purpose.  A third alternative is to merely rip the music outright from your favorite CDs.  This method is of course illegal and should only be considered as a last resort.  You can minimize the legal ramifications of copyright infringement by using the words “Rights Pending” in the closing credits.

PRE-PRODUCTION
This is the first and perhaps most important phase of film production. This is a time for planning out every minute detail of the project. What will you wear on the set?  How high should your chair be?  Is your Film Crew badge clean and waxed?  These are a few of the questions that should be answered during pre-production.

PRODUCTION
Lights-Camera-Action!  Production is the process of actually filming your movie.  Words such as “slate it” and “cut” are often used during this phase.  Don’t be afraid to shout at the actors if their heads bob about during a scene.  When arguments erupt during production, remind the cast and crew that they are expendable.  Remember, you are the Director and the one with the “artistic vision.” 

PUBLICITY
It doesn’t matter how good your “film” is if no one knows about it.  In Hollywood, publicity agents routinely perform the duty by publicly promoting a particular star or film project.  Any good filmmaker must also be a good self-promoter.  Tell everyone with whom you come into contact that you are working on your fourth “Feature Film.”  When asked about your previous three “films” abruptly change the subject and remind them that you are recovering from illness, grief or substance abuse afflictions.  When possible, tie-in to any successfully completed project or the death of respected VIPs. 

SCRIPT
The script is the blue print for the film.  The actual words in the script aren’t as important as passion in your voice when you describe it to others.  Choose an important sounding title for the script and if possible, include the name of a beloved former U.S. President. 

SPONSORSHIP

Corporate sponsorship can help lend credibility to your “film.” Perhaps the local video rental store will allow you to use a storage room to hold “Auditions.”
Then you can copy the retail video store’s logo from their web site and use it liberally an all of your promotional materials without their knowledge or consent.

Memorize Jargon! Then get interviewed on the air to qualify your mistakes.