PUBLICITY in Small Town Newspapers: They never guess
Unlearn painting & theater skills: in Alaska, be prepared to start at the bottom:
Focus Puller on the colostomycam
CAMERA
Selecting the proper camera for your project can be a time consuming
exercise. You can avoid this by using any camera with the word “Video”
on it. If you want your finished product to look like film, simply
show the video on a generously dust-covered television. The dust
particles tend to refract the light and obscure video’s “harshness”
resulting in a film “look.” Most viewers will assume that you actually
used a film camera. If your “film” is going to be displayed using a
video projector, smear a liberal amount of Vaseline onto the
projector’s lens to achieve a “film” look. Using an actual film camera
is an alternative, but the expense of film stock, and the required
cinematographic expertise puts this alternative out of the reach of
most would-be filmmakers. The easy solution is to simply refer to your
video as a film.
CASTING
Casting is the process of finding actors for your “film.” Always
include a precocious 9 – 13 year old girl in your “script,” and then
promptly schedule auditions. Make sure that your chair is a few inches
higher than those auditioning - this will give you a psychological
advantage and make you seem “more important.” Avoid referring to prospective cast
members as fresh meat, as by-standing parents may get the wrong impression. Make
sure to tell each actress that she is “very talented” but just not “right
for the part.” Offer acting advice and autographed Film Crew badges to
any “special” young actors.
FILM CREW BADGE
No filmmaker should be without a Film Crew badge A properly made
badge can open many doors, including your own, should you be evicted
during the filmmaking process.
Make a badge with the title of your movie on one side and the words
“Film Crew” on the other. Wear the badge wherever you go-especially
at social functions and anywhere aspiring actresses tend to congregate. Be seen with it!
MUSIC
No modern film would be complete without a music track. Music sets the
“tone” of a film and helps to establish the “mood.” A custom musical
score can be recorded for your film, or “canned” music can be purchased
for this purpose. A third alternative is to merely rip the music
outright from your favorite CDs. This method is of course illegal and
should only be considered as a last resort. You can minimize the legal
ramifications of copyright infringement by using the words “Rights
Pending” in the closing credits.
PRE-PRODUCTION
This is the first and perhaps most important phase of film production.
This is a time for planning out every minute detail of the project.
What will you wear on the set? How high should your chair be? Is your
Film Crew badge clean and waxed? These are a few of the questions that
should be answered during pre-production.
PRODUCTION
Lights-Camera-Action! Production is the process of actually filming
your movie. Words such as “slate it” and “cut” are often used during
this phase. Don’t be afraid to shout at the actors if their heads bob
about during a scene. When arguments erupt during production, remind
the cast and crew that they are expendable. Remember, you are the
Director and the one with the “artistic vision.”
PUBLICITY
It doesn’t matter how good your “film” is if no one knows about it. In
Hollywood, publicity agents routinely perform the duty by publicly
promoting a particular star or film project. Any good filmmaker must
also be a good self-promoter. Tell everyone with whom you come into
contact that you are working on your fourth “Feature Film.” When asked
about your previous three “films” abruptly change the subject and
remind them that you are recovering from illness, grief or substance
abuse afflictions. When possible, tie-in to any successfully completed
project or the death of respected VIPs.
SCRIPT
The script is the blue print for the film. The actual words in the
script aren’t as important as passion in your voice when you describe
it to others. Choose an important sounding title for the script and if
possible, include the name of a beloved former U.S. President.
SPONSORSHIP
Corporate sponsorship can help lend credibility to your “film.”
Perhaps the local video rental store will allow you to use a storage
room to hold “Auditions.”
Then you can copy the retail video store’s logo from their web site and
use it liberally an all of your promotional materials without their
knowledge or consent.
Memorize Jargon! Then get interviewed on the air to qualify your mistakes.
